Chimps Up, Humans Down

It appears as though our closest primate relative is on its way to becoming just a little bit closer to us. Genetically, of course, no evolutionary advancement has been made, but that is not stopping advocacy groups from pushing the expansion of 'people' to include chimpanzees.

In a published report earlier this week in Current Biology, the rapid decline in the chimpanzee population has furthered the discussion as to whether the animals should be included as "non-human people". As if that weren't radical enough, some are even suggesting that they be guaranteed human rights.

Yes, you read that correctly. They want chimpanzees to be called 'people' and for them to be assured of "human rights". We still have 6 year old Malaysian kids working 16 hour days for major corporations yet some REAL people would rather spend their time and energy fighting for the rights of animals.

That's right-- animals. I don't care how many commercials you put them in. I don't care if they can use hand signals to tell you they want a banana. They are still beneath every human on the planet. Classifying them as people sure as hell won't change the basic premises behind Darwinism.

Don't get me wrong, I love chimps. I think they are hilarious and certainly more deserving of their own television show than a couple of guys dressed up as Neanderthals. I would be more than happy to spend a half-hour of my night just watching chimps throw things across a room. But we, as a society, have to draw the line somewhere. I draw that line at letting a creature who handles his own poo be classified in the same social class as I am.

Just think of all the legal ramifications. The People's Court now serves justice to humans and chimps. I guess we have to change it to The Human's Court otherwise our legal system will get bogged down with frivolous lawsuits over 'theft of services' when one chimp refuses to eat the bugs out of another chimp's fur. Do we start teaching our youth about the Human's Republic of China? How about the US Constitution? I don't think our Founding Fathers had chimpanzees in mind when they were drafting the phrase, "We the people".

I'll tell you what; IF the United States government can get these chimps to start paying taxes and contributing to society-- THEN I might consider them people. IF I see a chimp waiting in line at the DMV on a Friday afternoon with crying babies all around, and menopausal women behind the counters-- THEN I might consider them people. IF I see a chimp working with me knowing that he got the job due to affirmative action-- THEN I pack my belongings, throw poo at random people, and live out my remaining years living in Siberia.

Who knows, maybe in the future, humans will actually be considered "people" again. Let's just hope our population doesn't dwindle to a few thousand before advocacy groups start pleading our case.