Pain vs Pain

I was able to experience the rush of excruciating physical pain earlier this week for the first time, for what seems to be, an extremely long time. It happened Tuesday night whilst playing basketball with a bunch of other 20-somethings who long for competition and that euphoric joy of complete muscle fatigue. That feeling that you get when you have pushed your body to the limit.

I didn't last long enough to enjoy the competition or to tax my muscles, but that didn't mean I escaped without a price. Within the first ten minutes of our first game, I jumped up and came down on someone else's foot. Landing on an uneven surface is never a good thing.

I wasn't looking at the floor at the time so I don't know what it looked like but I sure as hell know what it sounded like, and, of course, what it felt like. The sound was a sort of a crunching one, but not like bone crunching. This was kind of like the noise you might hear if you were to take a handful of rubber bands and and twisted them. An elastic being stretched too far, type sound. I think the sound was the most disturbing part, and the one that told me immediately that it was bad.

The pain was instantaneous. I dropped to the floor immediately, but only because I couldn't stand up right away. I absolutely HATE to be out of commission because of an injury. I got up, standing on my left leg, and hopped off the court. I am not the type to lay on the floor acting like I am dying, and I suppose that is part of the reason why my injuries rarely get the sympathy that perhaps they deserve. Then again, I could give a rat's ass about that. It is an issue with pride for me and that is something that only I can control.

Thankfully we had a sub there so I just pointed at him and play resumed. After the first game, the guys were asking me how I was. I just looked up, smiled, and said, "It's bad. Real bad." Since I didn't drive, I was forced to wait there until the end before I could get home and relax.

I took off my shoe and sock, put my leg up on a chair, and started to think about pain. How I absolutely hated being hurt but how I adored the pain. I would periodically try to stand on it, cringe and nearly fall over with pain, then sit back down and grin my stupid head off. A paradox of masochism, I suppose.

At one point, I thought about trying to suck it up and try to play. Perhaps 5 or 6 years ago I would have. Now though, I am smart enough to know that it wasn't worth it. Not the toleration of the pain, but of the consequences of playing on a bad ankle. It only would have made it worse, meaning I would be out even longer, and that just defeats the purpose.

I guess I like to see if I can persevere through adversity and that is why I often tear my body apart and continue to work through the pain. It makes everything that much sweeter when you know you have sacrificed yourself in order to achieve a goal. The pain tests who I am. Am I a fighter or a quitter?

But that is only physical pain. What about emotional pain? That is something that I struggle with, so in order to make that pain relatable, I often try to turn it into something tangible-- something...physical.

To be continued...